Monday, January 28, 2013

The Yo-yo project- are you a member?

( I couldn't find a female yo yo freak)

So feeling like a yo-yo -
Life is kind of like this for me right now
I love our new DD relationship
     What the heck was I thinking
Ok so it isn't all bad, I think Vic likes it.
     Oh no he doesn't he is just amusing me.
I am glad he motivated me to work out
     If I gotta work out one more time and listen to how I am doing it wrong....
I am so happy to have quit smoking, I love how I feel, it is great to save the money,
     I don't care if I pay 50 bucks I want a cigarette. 
I love my diet, it is making me healthy
     I want a bucket of ice cream, whipped toppings, nuts, banana,
He is starting to discipline me, we are going to be ok
     It has minimal effect, really make me count
We are becoming so close I am opening up and starting to share my feelings
     It becomes it's my fault no really it is mine, who cares who fault it is- What are we going to do about it
I have cried a bucket of tears - I don't get it- who is this emotional woman living in my body
He is stepping up taking the lead- woohoo yippie
     Ok so not so much
What am I missing- I feel like running through the house singing
Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. Life is unfair...

Ok maybe I need to explain to all of you what has brought this on in my humble little home:
The other day Vic said something that annoyed me, it had to do with female parts and I being me took it completely out of content. During our weekly DD conversation we discussed it. One of my vows is I am forbidden  not allowed to speak negative of myself jeez oh petes I can't believe it and it is a big one for Vic (lord why couldn't it of been swearing). So not having a very high image of myself is a given so when he said wow look at them @%&$ my mind went right to well no wonder he isn't into this he admires that and down the spiral my little brain went. I didn't even pause on landing to catch my breath

So we discussed it, can't say we solved it but it was discussed. Which brings me to today, beebooping away as I catch a glance at his screen and thought I caught a sight of some "new toys" ooohh makes my heart skip a beat, any sign that he truly is in to this makes me excited only to be accused of being- yep you guess it me of all people, I love a good story but really, I was so put off and still am I shut down, closed the door, no entry, go away, see you later. Really I was hurt and he wasn't even looking at what I thought he was- double blow to the ego. 
SO what the (fill in the blank) is wrong with me? Have I lost my mind? What is it going to take to make me realize -
He loves me more than anything!
He really is into TTWD- (this is a huge one for me, doubt doubt doubt)
He is one of the greatest guys on the planet
What does this all mean?
Am I all alone on the yo-yo project
Oh someone please pop my bubble and give me some insight.


  1. Oh Cookie

    You are being soooo normal! I can remember being the same yo yo :) Your emotions etc will sort themselves out..only to go out of kink again...sorry :(
    He does love you, if he is saying that you are not allowed to be negative about yourself, then he sees you as YOU. That is love :)
    Hope you start to feel better soon


  2. Hey Cathie...

    I tried all day yesterday to comment, but couldn't manage. Susie is having the same issue today. So here is her comment for you

    *************************** From Susie, Her Mischief Managed ***********************
    Hez is right...this is completely and totally normal. Hang tough and talk, talk, talk. Keep sharing all the insecurities so that he knows and doesn't accidentally trigger you.

    You're doing great...I promise!
    It's nothing.

  3. Okay...12 th times a charm hopefully ( on commenting)

    This is so normal...and I'll let you know when/if it stops :) For me it is like a blender....throw those emotions and thoughts in there and let them whirl. It is disheartening sometimes for sure

    I think of it more like the war within- the old Cathie and the new Cathie...or the new old Cathie. You are walking the yellow line in the middle of the road. Cars whizzing by. Not sure which side of the road you want to be on. The 'old' Cathie roadside has less traffic to maneuver through to get there..but the scenery is not as great as the 'new' Cathie side. Eventually, if you trust Vic and take his hand, you'll maneuver through the traffic on the 'new' Cathie side of the road and you can start to enjoy some more scenery.

    I would add to what Susie and Hez said....write. write. write. You don't have to share with us..but writing helps sort out fears and hesitations. Reality and irrational . It can be quite therapeutic if you let it.

    Big Hugs...
    ( If you have the time/ back on my'll feel MORE than normal if you read some of my posts from last year)

  4. Yep, we've all been there. I went back and forth and it wasn't until our one big argument since we began ttwd that we got everything ironed out. I wasn't sure if he really wanted dd, or if he was just doing because I wanted him to. Everything was a yo-yo.

    One step at a time. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. You'll feel much better.


  5. The capcha is off, thanks to all who comment. It is great to know I am not alone in my yo yo project. Although I think I am the president right now. I so hope to pass that title on soon.