Saturday, December 29, 2012

Storm Clouds

I feel a storm brewing in me, so many emotions- very busy family time and I think the tide is rolling in pulling me into it. I know what I am suppose to do, but somehow I manage not to do the task we have agreed upon. Why I asked myself, what is it that I can't manage to do the things I asked Vic to help me with. Am I looking for attention, feeling out of sorts with the extra things the holidays brings to my plate. I am not sure-

Here is my storm- we agree to ttwd after a rollercoaster start, we discussed and agreed on the tasks that Vic believes will be a good start, the conquences for failing to do them are set and off we go. So why is it when I confese my misdeeds I get in response from him "So what are we suppose to do about these misdeeds".

Cut in the clouds, large dark and scarey--- as the mind goes : Did he just ask what are WE suppose to do, I thought that was clear- if you don't do X you will get Y and Z.  You mean there are options to this~ that isn't what I signed up for- I need you strong, I need to know you will do what you say. How confusing is this- is this how it works, he can changed his mind, give me options if he chooses, change directions- HOW am I suppose to function with this? I don't have options, yes I agreed to ttwd and he is our HOH but wait suddenly I feel like this:

I am up there hanging and he is suppose to catch me, he said he would but why am I wondering if will. SO here I hang waiting and wondering, lost and confused.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

So how did I become Cookiemonsterswife so many of you are thinking this:
It truly has little to do with the real cookie monster- (sorry sesame street)- it has to do with a radio station I listened to many years ago and a story the morning DJ told about his step-daughter at a young age when they were discussing how when a door is closed that she should knock and wait to be told it is ok to enter, that she should respect their privacy and knock and wait. Which she responded to "Oh so that is when you guys are having your COOKIES" Like most morning DJ's it went from bad to worse and I came home calling my man a CookieMonster thief because he was always stealing my cookies! And that is how I became CookieMonstersWife :)  Way back then I had not heard of DD or DH or TTWD we were just a couple going on with life and all the obstacles a new relationship brings, blending families and adjusting as we went. Life sure has changed since those days. We have had our share of roller coaster rides some faster than others but always challenging. I think submissive tendencies have always been there for me, mostly in a bedroom kind of way, it is nice to let go and have someone else handled the reins, if only real life could resemble that- wouldn't life be great. Then ONE day as I was web searching away about my inner thoughts along came a site and as I read it I thought whoa who is in my head and writing my thoughts online, they can't do that those are my most inner thoughts from my heart and soul right there online for the whole world to see- crap why hasn't the earth cracked open and swallowed me up yet. So after reading more and clicking into it more a new obsession took over and read read read everything I could (I truly wish I remembered who's blog I found first to give them credit but so many so fast I can't recall- Sorry). Then the GIANT step I sent off a site to the MAN-"A husbandly touch" (now under a new name) and then poof I thought ok so now he knows and things will change and all is good but instead it was more like
Like many sites say I was going for home base and my loving, caring, and confused husband was still trying to get to first base! Oh the rollercoaster ride now became like the Spider ride and I wondered if we were still in the same amusement park. Road trips are wonderful forced communication time, cause there is no place to run and hide when you hear the words "SO" and then it's on, oh yeah I forgot I was supposed to communicate with him out loud, I thought silence communication was a valid form and I didn't understand why he had left my amusement park and went to another and then there we were on the same ride in the same seat and I was forced to confess my deepest feelings and pour out all the thoughts running in my head (that I still think he should be able read my mind) and then hold my breath as I think it is a good thing I am driving or he may push me out of the car (he would never actually do that). After many little conversation, some tears of emotions and some reading on his part we are now creeping over the start line and he is turning into the dominant loving husband my soul has been searching for and never knew it.
A huge shout out and Thank you to Willie for answering my questions and encouraging me to get posted. Thanks and I hope you enjoy reading.
Stay tune for my next station break! 

Friday, December 14, 2012

I am a lurker who is trying (unsuccessfully I might add) to go live. New to blogging but not new to lurking, I have been at that for sometime. Thanks for letting me lurk and follow. May you all have some cookies tonight and me too.