Sunday, January 13, 2013

My crisis

   I am not even sure what to name this post, so many things running around in this little head of mine, I think I have, are you ready for this 3 problems all screaming for my attention. Let me start with the most current one and then I will work my way through the others leaving what I think is the biggest one for last. I hope by at least putting them to words I can figure what to do afterwards with them.

            IT’S SUNDAY, yep really it is, has been for hours and guess what- the “Talk” has not happen, the no turning on or starting anything didn’t happen no nope notta! Well maybe one thinks it did but I for one thinks not. Yep I am pounding away on my key board when I shouldn’t be, but hey why not I am not the one who turned on the TV. sure I watched it but I didn’t turn it on just partook. Let me say that we did speak about one thing and went to go spend discipline time together till out of mouth came “Ok but I am not sure why I being discipline” Which up come my head and body to an upright position facing him to hear well what didn’t happen on Wednesday, which I said you don’t listen to me – started a new workout it has different days and I thought I missed Wednesday but turned out I didn’t. So I got a hug and I am sorry. That was it back to watching the tube. So if that was our weekly “Talk” I am not feeling it, not even a little. Coffee time has come and gone- off on our separate ways now.

            Lately I have had some issue reaching that Aha moment in the bedroom, I don’t blame Vic I know it is not his fault and was really hoping that DD would assist in my issue, well right now I am feeling like for me it has been an epic failure. I know for Vic it has been better and I am sure my other sub friends understand that without me going into details. But when it happened yet again the other day I was so frustrated that it finally caused me to crack.  Knowing Vic had to get up soon I left the room to sob alone so it wouldn’t keep him up and worry him even more.  After a bit I pulled myself together enough to return to the warmth of our bed and Vic had to be up in like 15 minutes, good plan I thought I need his security, his warmth, his love, so I returned. You ok ` I respond with a shrug and crawled back in, his arm was up so I headed straight for my favorite place, but no embrace, no kiss on the head, nothing I suddenly felt very cold and even more alone. I finally rolled over and so did he just the other way you know the away roll. I went to the safe zone, holding on to what I had left and closing the doors. Vic did after a while roll back over and pulled me in and kiss my head before he got up. It was too late the doors were closed and still are.  I needed him to hold me, I needed him to comfort me, to tell me it would be ok, we would work it out. Which rolls me into my 3rd and most disturbing feeling.

            I want this to work, I want my husband to step up and take control I want to be submissive in our life in our marriage, in our home and our bed but I can’t do this for both of us. It’s too hard; I can barely take care of myself and find my way I definitely can’t help him find his way. I brought this to him; I asked for it, I gave him the sites, my feelings and have tried to let him grow into his role. He keeps saying he wants it but I truly believe actions speak louder than words. If you want to do something, if you are interested in it you will research, ask questions, see what others do and respond to feed back. So why do I feel like he does none of that. Like my it’s Sunday and maybe he considers that our talk, but I would think that he would of asked if I had other issues to discuss, but then that’s me, I am interested I am obsessed with learning more and finding out what appeals and what doesn’t. Another example is his “project”, he has been working on it for some time. Can I just say I HAtE HiS PRoJecT, I wish I was his “project” he has researched it, fine-tuned it, watch videos on it, worked on it, become obsessed with it, and continues to do so. Why because he is interested in it, how it works, what makes it tick, what works, what doesn’t, who has tried what and how it worked, why it didn’t or why it did. He is constantly looking at ways to improve his “project” and all I want to do is break it into a million frickin pieces and say make me your “project”. I can’t believe I am totally jealous of this, every time I see it or he talks about it I want to just scream. How childish of me, I should be happy he has something that interest him, that keeps him home and near me. SO why do I hated it so, because it receives what I want- him, for him to be obsessed with me like he is with it, what make me tick, what might work in this new relationship of ours. Maybe this isn’t for us, I keep opening myself up exposing myself more and more and it seems all I ever do now is cry and cry some more. I am not sure, I am confused, I am hurt and hurting and I feel so very alone. I can’t do this for both of us, so what do I do; I don’t know. Do I close the doors we open, do I say it’s ok, we are good with just the sex part and leave the rest alone, I wish I knew. I just know I keep falling and hitting the ground really hurts.

            I don’t know if this will even ever get posted, it is all so personal, my feelings are all so raw, I don’t know if I can put myself out there like this. I wish I had someone to go to, to let me cry and hear me out and help me find the way but for now all I have is my blogger cyber friends and I don’t know if I can even turn there. At least I have my puffs J
Vic and I did sit down and talk today about all of this and he has read it and he suggested that I go ahead and post and see what insight my blogger friends might give us.


  1. Awh, I'm sorry that you are having trouble with this. If it makes you feel better, it took Cael and I quite some time to get on the same page about the lifestyle. Like you, I brought it to him and in the beginning, I didn't think he'd really taken it seriously. I would be told I was getting a spanking and it wouldn't happen. I'd forget a rule and then later realize, he never noticed. It was hard, and at one point I thought it had really backfired. Any time I brought up the lifestyle he'd ask if we could just "be." So, I eventually took the hint and decided to drop it. It was not an easy thing to do, but at the same time, it was the best thing to do. Instead of outwardly asking for his guidance, I found my own submission from within. I wouldn't wait for a rule, I'd just take it upon myself to please him or to do what he liked. In time, he'd say he liked this or that and I'd mention it was still part of our DD dynamic, just different. I told him how I wanted him to like this too and that I wanted his input. From that point forward, he little by little started picking up the reins.

    Now, months later, he's loving DD, to the point where, I needed a break last month and it didn't last very long because HE needed it back. So my point is, just be patient and really take into consideration what Vic wants as well.


  2. Riley thank you for sharing your story with me and how it is working for you now. I admire how you were able to step back and not push the agenda and he took notice. I realize now this is going to take baby steps for us both.

    Our talk last night was really good and it kept coming up afterwards whenever one of us had a thought about what would work best for us in this journey. I know communications is key I just need to remember he can't read my mind no matter how much I think he can.


  3. Sweetie, I wonder if you have told him that - that just cut me to the core. I can't imagine if you opened you heart and spoke those words to him -
    "Why because he is interested in it, how it works, what makes it tick, what works, what doesn’t, who has tried what and how it worked, why it didn’t or why it did. He is constantly looking at ways to improve his “project” and all I want to do is break it into a million frickin pieces and say make me your “project”."

    - that is such a poignant sentiment and I just want to give you a hug...that would have to touch him. More than spanking and discipline, this lifestyle is about communication and mindfulness and unity. That passage speaks heart-breakingly to your need for him to be mindful of you and your relationship, and he really does need to hear that.

    Okay - I just put my glasses on and I see the small print that you did talk about it, and I am so relieved.

    Ward and I did come to our relationship this way, that's an advantage, I think. But we still work all the time to be mindful of each other and our needs. As Riley said, I do see that the more submissive I am to Ward, the more he feels his leadership. It bolsters them and when we show them our need, our hunger, our vulnerability, they seem to organically step up to protect and cover us.

    Keep communicating, there is really nothing more important than that. Do something every day that puts each other before all outside distractions. Make time for communication and connection every day. There is never anything that you will do that is more important and no gift you can give each other that is more important than the gift of being heard.


    1. June, your words of encouragement touched me and I felt your hug in them, I can't thank you enough. I am happy we did finally talk and he read the words I could not bring myself to say and took them to heart. I think it brought us a step closer to each other. I have been reading your older post and have sent Vic there to read them too, I like that not only you post but Ward does to. What a great team you two are. Many Thanks

  4. Hi Cathie,
    Just adding my hugs to the pile. I suppose it is both comforting and really maddening to know that most couples who start ttwd go through this for some months. Even with a very consistent husband who started this with both hands in--we still struggle with expectations, hearing each other, communicating what we really want and need...and then giving each other some space to grow into new places. It's really hard but every single couple that I've gotten to know out here who have remained committed and kept slogging through it have gone places, really good places. Hang in there and keep talking with us. More really neat ladies (and a few great men) will find you in time.

  5. Thanks Susie, you are right it is comforting to know others have struggled their way through this and came out holding hands and have a better marriage/relationship because of this ttwd. I have more compassion for HoH today then yesterday, it is not an easy road for them when one day their spouse/partner says "hey hold me accountable for my misdeeds" and btw punish me when I am bad. I know we will be better for this in the end. Thanks for your support and hugs they do help.

  6. Big hugs, Cathie. I've realized that I'm a researcher, and Will just isn't. I read and research and think and ponder and try - not only with ttwd but with everything else - career, family, stepfamily; the list is endless.

    Will is a ponderer. He thinks while watching TV or playing video games. He sometimes responds to things I talk about three days later. He's not me, and that's okay.

    The one thing that needs to happen is communication, and I like June's suggestion of talking about that piece. I'm wondering if your hubby's interest in this project IS his thinking time, his way of decompressing and letting his mind process things.

    I think sometimes some women (ie the researchers) feel like our efforts should be matched in just the same way, because what we are doing is actively showing just how much we care, how important it is to us to learn in this way. I think maybe - our husband's do the same, but differently.

    Also, sometimes they learn from us, through our conversations.

    Ultimately, you can only do what works for you and communicate with him, while he finds his way with what works for him. His way doesn't necessarily mean he isn't as invested, it may mean he's working things out the way he needs to.

    Big huge hugs.

    Elisa xo

    1. Elisa,

      I never thought of him using his project time as his thinking time. Like many I just assumed he was off in his man world and my needs were just being ignore. I will think better next time and look at it differently now. Thanks for the great insight.