IT’S SUNDAY, yep really it is, has been for hours and guess what- the “Talk” has not happen, the no turning on or starting anything didn’t happen no nope notta! Well maybe one thinks it did but I for one thinks not. Yep I am pounding away on my key board when I shouldn’t be, but hey why not I am not the one who turned on the TV. sure I watched it but I didn’t turn it on just partook. Let me say that we did speak about one thing and went to go spend discipline time together till out of mouth came “Ok but I am not sure why I being discipline” Which up come my head and body to an upright position facing him to hear well what didn’t happen on Wednesday, which I said you don’t listen to me – started a new workout it has different days and I thought I missed Wednesday but turned out I didn’t. So I got a hug and I am sorry. That was it back to watching the tube. So if that was our weekly “Talk” I am not feeling it, not even a little. Coffee time has come and gone- off on our separate ways now.
Lately I have had some issue reaching that Aha moment in the bedroom, I don’t blame Vic I know it is not his fault and was really hoping that DD would assist in my issue, well right now I am feeling like for me it has been an epic failure. I know for Vic it has been better and I am sure my other sub friends understand that without me going into details. But when it happened yet again the other day I was so frustrated that it finally caused me to crack. Knowing Vic had to get up soon I left the room to sob alone so it wouldn’t keep him up and worry him even more. After a bit I pulled myself together enough to return to the warmth of our bed and Vic had to be up in like 15 minutes, good plan I thought I need his security, his warmth, his love, so I returned. You ok ` I respond with a shrug and crawled back in, his arm was up so I headed straight for my favorite place, but no embrace, no kiss on the head, nothing I suddenly felt very cold and even more alone. I finally rolled over and so did he just the other way you know the away roll. I went to the safe zone, holding on to what I had left and closing the doors. Vic did after a while roll back over and pulled me in and kiss my head before he got up. It was too late the doors were closed and still are. I needed him to hold me, I needed him to comfort me, to tell me it would be ok, we would work it out. Which rolls me into my 3rd and most disturbing feeling.
I want this to work, I want my husband to step up and take control I want to be submissive in our life in our marriage, in our home and our bed but I can’t do this for both of us. It’s too hard; I can barely take care of myself and find my way I definitely can’t help him find his way. I brought this to him; I asked for it, I gave him the sites, my feelings and have tried to let him grow into his role. He keeps saying he wants it but I truly believe actions speak louder than words. If you want to do something, if you are interested in it you will research, ask questions, see what others do and respond to feed back. So why do I feel like he does none of that. Like my it’s Sunday and maybe he considers that our talk, but I would think that he would of asked if I had other issues to discuss, but then that’s me, I am interested I am obsessed with learning more and finding out what appeals and what doesn’t. Another example is his “project”, he has been working on it for some time. Can I just say I HAtE HiS PRoJecT, I wish I was his “project” he has researched it, fine-tuned it, watch videos on it, worked on it, become obsessed with it, and continues to do so. Why because he is interested in it, how it works, what makes it tick, what works, what doesn’t, who has tried what and how it worked, why it didn’t or why it did. He is constantly looking at ways to improve his “project” and all I want to do is break it into a million frickin pieces and say make me your “project”. I can’t believe I am totally jealous of this, every time I see it or he talks about it I want to just scream. How childish of me, I should be happy he has something that interest him, that keeps him home and near me. SO why do I hated it so, because it receives what I want- him, for him to be obsessed with me like he is with it, what make me tick, what might work in this new relationship of ours. Maybe this isn’t for us, I keep opening myself up exposing myself more and more and it seems all I ever do now is cry and cry some more. I am not sure, I am confused, I am hurt and hurting and I feel so very alone. I can’t do this for both of us, so what do I do; I don’t know. Do I close the doors we open, do I say it’s ok, we are good with just the sex part and leave the rest alone, I wish I knew. I just know I keep falling and hitting the ground really hurts.
I don’t know if this will even ever get posted, it is all so personal, my feelings are all so raw, I don’t know if I can put myself out there like this. I wish I had someone to go to, to let me cry and hear me out and help me find the way but for now all I have is my blogger cyber friends and I don’t know if I can even turn there. At least I have my puffs JVic and I did sit down and talk today about all of this and he has read it and he suggested that I go ahead and post and see what insight my blogger friends might give us.