Monday, January 28, 2013

The Yo-yo project- are you a member?

( I couldn't find a female yo yo freak)

So feeling like a yo-yo -
Life is kind of like this for me right now
I love our new DD relationship
     What the heck was I thinking
Ok so it isn't all bad, I think Vic likes it.
     Oh no he doesn't he is just amusing me.
I am glad he motivated me to work out
     If I gotta work out one more time and listen to how I am doing it wrong....
I am so happy to have quit smoking, I love how I feel, it is great to save the money,
     I don't care if I pay 50 bucks I want a cigarette. 
I love my diet, it is making me healthy
     I want a bucket of ice cream, whipped toppings, nuts, banana,
He is starting to discipline me, we are going to be ok
     It has minimal effect, really make me count
We are becoming so close I am opening up and starting to share my feelings
     It becomes it's my fault no really it is mine, who cares who fault it is- What are we going to do about it
I have cried a bucket of tears - I don't get it- who is this emotional woman living in my body
He is stepping up taking the lead- woohoo yippie
     Ok so not so much
What am I missing- I feel like running through the house singing
Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. Life is unfair...

Ok maybe I need to explain to all of you what has brought this on in my humble little home:
The other day Vic said something that annoyed me, it had to do with female parts and I being me took it completely out of content. During our weekly DD conversation we discussed it. One of my vows is I am forbidden  not allowed to speak negative of myself jeez oh petes I can't believe it and it is a big one for Vic (lord why couldn't it of been swearing). So not having a very high image of myself is a given so when he said wow look at them @%&$ my mind went right to well no wonder he isn't into this he admires that and down the spiral my little brain went. I didn't even pause on landing to catch my breath

So we discussed it, can't say we solved it but it was discussed. Which brings me to today, beebooping away as I catch a glance at his screen and thought I caught a sight of some "new toys" ooohh makes my heart skip a beat, any sign that he truly is in to this makes me excited only to be accused of being- yep you guess it me of all people, I love a good story but really, I was so put off and still am I shut down, closed the door, no entry, go away, see you later. Really I was hurt and he wasn't even looking at what I thought he was- double blow to the ego. 
SO what the (fill in the blank) is wrong with me? Have I lost my mind? What is it going to take to make me realize -
He loves me more than anything!
He really is into TTWD- (this is a huge one for me, doubt doubt doubt)
He is one of the greatest guys on the planet
What does this all mean?
Am I all alone on the yo-yo project
Oh someone please pop my bubble and give me some insight.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Things have been looking differently around the Cooky house this weekend. Seems Vic has been gaining ground on his HoH role and smiling a bit more. He is definitely more observant then he has been in the past and more in charge :)

Saturday morning found me in an unusual position, oh yeah you know the one were we all saying that silent little plea that really I am in trouble for this, really I promise I will be good it won't happen again. But no matter how much we make that plea we still find ourselves OTK and hearing those sweet words that say I love you enough to do this and as my HoH says this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me- Gulp.
Last week Vic and I sat down after my last posting and had a true heart to heart about why I wanted this, why I needed this and what I needed from him. For the first time I felt we truly made a huge step forward in this ttwd and I found myself in a very happy safe loving place and still do even today.
Part of our conversation was about rules, guidelines, and or something to this effect. We finally after reading others and discussing our home came to this. I have vows that I have made to him, I guess some would consider them rules but for me these are my vows as his submissive wife that I will uphold they will never change they are the core to our DD relationship and very important to Vic and I. In addition we will have few rules that Vic will set and are subject to change as needed.
One of my vows and something I have been trying to do for years is
I know I know please for goodness sake I know. It is my dirty little secret- well it was lol. So during our chat he gave me a daily goal for the week and said I was to be on the honor system. Each day like a good girl I wrote down how many I consumed. I should of realized there would be a day of reckoning and a body part to go with it. I am happy to report that I haven't had so much as a puff since Friday night and my tush is still in agreement that if it has anything to say about it I won't be puffing or inhaling or smelling any of those nasty things again. If I can figure out how to put a counter on my blog I will start a smoke free one- 1.5 is today's. Way to go Cathy! Woohoo- yippee...
 I know I am in a better place this past week, Vic has stepped up and has been keeping me in line alot more than ever. I am hearing more of "you are being mouthy" "knock it off" and "we will discuss that later" oh dear my CookieMonster is showing off his pecks (hehe).

Have a great week my friends.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

My crisis

   I am not even sure what to name this post, so many things running around in this little head of mine, I think I have, are you ready for this 3 problems all screaming for my attention. Let me start with the most current one and then I will work my way through the others leaving what I think is the biggest one for last. I hope by at least putting them to words I can figure what to do afterwards with them.

            IT’S SUNDAY, yep really it is, has been for hours and guess what- the “Talk” has not happen, the no turning on or starting anything didn’t happen no nope notta! Well maybe one thinks it did but I for one thinks not. Yep I am pounding away on my key board when I shouldn’t be, but hey why not I am not the one who turned on the TV. sure I watched it but I didn’t turn it on just partook. Let me say that we did speak about one thing and went to go spend discipline time together till out of mouth came “Ok but I am not sure why I being discipline” Which up come my head and body to an upright position facing him to hear well what didn’t happen on Wednesday, which I said you don’t listen to me – started a new workout it has different days and I thought I missed Wednesday but turned out I didn’t. So I got a hug and I am sorry. That was it back to watching the tube. So if that was our weekly “Talk” I am not feeling it, not even a little. Coffee time has come and gone- off on our separate ways now.

            Lately I have had some issue reaching that Aha moment in the bedroom, I don’t blame Vic I know it is not his fault and was really hoping that DD would assist in my issue, well right now I am feeling like for me it has been an epic failure. I know for Vic it has been better and I am sure my other sub friends understand that without me going into details. But when it happened yet again the other day I was so frustrated that it finally caused me to crack.  Knowing Vic had to get up soon I left the room to sob alone so it wouldn’t keep him up and worry him even more.  After a bit I pulled myself together enough to return to the warmth of our bed and Vic had to be up in like 15 minutes, good plan I thought I need his security, his warmth, his love, so I returned. You ok ` I respond with a shrug and crawled back in, his arm was up so I headed straight for my favorite place, but no embrace, no kiss on the head, nothing I suddenly felt very cold and even more alone. I finally rolled over and so did he just the other way you know the away roll. I went to the safe zone, holding on to what I had left and closing the doors. Vic did after a while roll back over and pulled me in and kiss my head before he got up. It was too late the doors were closed and still are.  I needed him to hold me, I needed him to comfort me, to tell me it would be ok, we would work it out. Which rolls me into my 3rd and most disturbing feeling.

            I want this to work, I want my husband to step up and take control I want to be submissive in our life in our marriage, in our home and our bed but I can’t do this for both of us. It’s too hard; I can barely take care of myself and find my way I definitely can’t help him find his way. I brought this to him; I asked for it, I gave him the sites, my feelings and have tried to let him grow into his role. He keeps saying he wants it but I truly believe actions speak louder than words. If you want to do something, if you are interested in it you will research, ask questions, see what others do and respond to feed back. So why do I feel like he does none of that. Like my it’s Sunday and maybe he considers that our talk, but I would think that he would of asked if I had other issues to discuss, but then that’s me, I am interested I am obsessed with learning more and finding out what appeals and what doesn’t. Another example is his “project”, he has been working on it for some time. Can I just say I HAtE HiS PRoJecT, I wish I was his “project” he has researched it, fine-tuned it, watch videos on it, worked on it, become obsessed with it, and continues to do so. Why because he is interested in it, how it works, what makes it tick, what works, what doesn’t, who has tried what and how it worked, why it didn’t or why it did. He is constantly looking at ways to improve his “project” and all I want to do is break it into a million frickin pieces and say make me your “project”. I can’t believe I am totally jealous of this, every time I see it or he talks about it I want to just scream. How childish of me, I should be happy he has something that interest him, that keeps him home and near me. SO why do I hated it so, because it receives what I want- him, for him to be obsessed with me like he is with it, what make me tick, what might work in this new relationship of ours. Maybe this isn’t for us, I keep opening myself up exposing myself more and more and it seems all I ever do now is cry and cry some more. I am not sure, I am confused, I am hurt and hurting and I feel so very alone. I can’t do this for both of us, so what do I do; I don’t know. Do I close the doors we open, do I say it’s ok, we are good with just the sex part and leave the rest alone, I wish I knew. I just know I keep falling and hitting the ground really hurts.

            I don’t know if this will even ever get posted, it is all so personal, my feelings are all so raw, I don’t know if I can put myself out there like this. I wish I had someone to go to, to let me cry and hear me out and help me find the way but for now all I have is my blogger cyber friends and I don’t know if I can even turn there. At least I have my puffs J
Vic and I did sit down and talk today about all of this and he has read it and he suggested that I go ahead and post and see what insight my blogger friends might give us.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Happy Half Hour

Happy Half Hour

I would imagine most of you are sitting there thinking oh Cathie must be enjoying a nice glass of this
and maybe I will indulge myself with that after a nice long shower. I work full time and with my drive I am away from my humble home most daytime hours. I am a tad freakish (ok extremely) about my humble home, I like (ok really love) it to be clean and organized. So my Happy Half Hour after I get home looks more like thisNow I know many of you are thinking this gal has lost her marbles but truly I get a little (alot) nutty if the house isn't set a certain way.  Often times I probably go over the deep edge to get stuff done. It isn't a rule nor an expectation from Vic frankly I think most of the time the house could be in shambles and he wouldn't mind (although over time he has become accustom to our humble home being set a certain way) nor would he say anything- I guess I should add that this was how he was before ttwd and maybe in the future he will have something to say but I truly think before he said something I would be locked up in a mental institution because I would snap if it ever got that bad. If anything I think it drives Vic mad that I am usually running around looking something like thiswhen we are finally home together. So knowing this I started my Happy Half Hour rountine since he is not home when I get home and do all the cleaning I can within a half hour so when the moments come that we are together we can spend more time with each other. I just started this week and so far so good maybe one day Vic will come home and he will see which might just lead to alot of this

 Wish me luck.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Don't sweat the small stuff?

I can't believe we had our first real "Discussion" and I was so worried about it. I truly need to stop worrying about the small stuff and focus on the big picture. I sometimes think Vic must think I am crazy. He did throw a loop hole in my plan of attack when on Saturday he said lets chat now  Um I am a planner I have to have an agenda just to get out the door on time, whatever is this man thinking- I think this was preplanned he knows me too well. So out comes my very little voice that says:
Do you have a topic in mind? I thought we were planning on doing this in the morning!!!!! and out comes- YES EXPECTATIONS
I mean really he wants to know my expectations about what, from him, or dear I didn't see that one coming. As the mind has an out of body experience- I mean really he said that (breath Cathie breath).
Fear not my blogger friends no ambulance was called- I did have some thoughts on the subject and we did something amazing we Talked and talked some more and then we talked again the next day just like we planned. It was wonderful and now I feel like this

Sometimes life can take some amazing turns and I do believe that our life is turning in the right directions with Dd and letting my Vic be all that he should have always been. We now will chat every Sunday discuss the good the bad and the ugly cause she is still perched on my shoulder and needs a good knock once in awhile and he is just the man to put me in my place- Who Knew-