I want my HoH to lead and I find myself often interfering with it. I tell him the punishment was to much, I don't like the implement he used, he doesn't follow up, he doesn't give me answers, and on and on I could go.
When I am feeling out of sorts I plant thoughts in his head of what I think he should do or what he shouldn't do. Another blogger said in a post that her HoH caught onto this and quickly and smartly said ENOUGH you will not lead.
I have to let him step up and I need to stop planting the seed, he like I want this DD life to work, we like where it is leading.
Normally I send a link to Vic with my post but not this one he needs to get where he is going without me driving the car. I need to keep myself in check and not get pouty, sassy, directing, coaching, and all the things I normally do.
I am putting myself in a holding pattern and letting him lead. I hope and pray that I can find the patience to let him do what he needs to do.
I decided to put myself in a holding pattern and see what happens
Well I can relate to this. I found ttwd, and told DH about it. And then I started to tell him how to do it, cause he sure wasn't doing it. I am still learning, but what changed my mind set was when DH set a new rule: I may not doubt his commitment to ttwd anymore. It was a weird rule, but after mulling it over for a day or so, I realized how much of a relief that is. I can actually trust him to want the same thing, and do this thing we do. :)
ReplyDeleteMy point I guess is, be patient, communicate!
Thanks Julia somethings the simple things are the hardest. I try not to doubt him but it seems that I only see or feel action when I prompt it. I hope by not doing that he can do as he sees fit and maybe doing nothing is what he is choosing or I haven't allowed him to react because I react before he has a chance to.
DeleteHi Cathie, sometimes stopping and taking the time to take stock of what changes have occurred in your relationship, and the things that have changed in each of you is a good exercise. Sometimes there has been growth but we don't recognise it. It can also be good to stop and think about all the little things we do that are actually practicing our roles that we don't realise either.
ReplyDeleteDominance and submission really do feed off each other. You say you have picked up some ideas and are practicing them. I would keep doing that. If you practice your submission it may encourage Vic.
There is nothing wrong with telling him what you need, or telling him if certain things aren't working for you. I don't think that's trying to control and communication really is so important.
((Hugs))
Roz
Hi Roz, communication really is key, we talk often and have a weekly sit down. I believe I have communicated my needs it just seems he only acts if I get out of whack. I don't want him to lead us if it means I have to point it out to him. But have I given him to chance to do that - I can't say that I have and why I am in my holding pattern :)
DeleteI like what Roz said just above me here. It's so okay to talk about what we need and communication is very important but directing and manipulating (such a terrible, truthful word isn't it?) seem to make our men distant and stubborn.
ReplyDeleteIf you have found little things that help you, keep at them, as hard at it is and when he notices, store those things away in your heart. It helps a lot and it will feed his confidence.
Susie that is great- store those things away in your heart. That will help get me through the times when I feel he has backed off. Thanks
DeleteRoz talks very good sense. But at the beginning, and I consider the first six months still being 'at the beginning' you are just establishing the ground rules. Different patterns start to develop for different people. It's hard to let go of that final rope in the hope that he is there to catch you, because sometimes it seems you are waiting for ever for some action. There's no doubt about it that we are "tortoises" around here; yet only yesterday I discovered that Starman has every intention of 'staying at the helm'. I'm still trying to get my head around it. So don't despair - everything comes to those who wait!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Ami
All great things are worth waiting for. I waited what seemed like forever for him and then there he was ready to hold my heart in his hands and love me for me. I think this lifestyle is worth it.
DeleteCathie, I can definitely relate to a lot of these behaviors when we were initially figuring things out...expecting certain things and reacting badly when he did it in his own way...or jumping the gun and trying to steer us in the right direction, in what I though were very subtle ways lol, when that's obviously his role. He always knew exactly what I was doing though and it always led to things getting worse before they got better. It was like a cycle for a while and it would set us back. It's hard to hand over the reigns, but that's kind of the point of this lifestyle, right? Once you've made your needs known (because as Bas has reminded me in the past, men aren't actually mind readers;) and you've had the talks and all the cards are on the table, it really is time to step back and let him do what he will with all of it. It may not be how you pictured it...but that's what makes it yours:) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteTess that is so true the cards are on the table and I think I need to stay in my holding pattern and let him step up. I am sure he will in his own way in his own time. Thanks for stopping by
DeleteI think we all go trough this. Have you ever read Laura Doyle's "The Surrendered Wife"? It helped me a lot, and in fact I think I am due for a reread!
ReplyDeleteSara
Sara I haven't but I sure will be now. I love to read so I am looking forward to getting this book and reading it. Thanks
ReplyDelete