I did make an amazing discovery at some point over the last several weeks- I was laying on the couch one day and Vic came flying into the living room and was overly excited about a set of instruction he had for who knows what- He was beside him self, so happy that he finally had some "Man instructions" No words just pictures, step by step pictures of how do to do whatever he was trying to do.... (don't ask me what it was as to date I still don't know what it was just that it had pictures).
Yep something like that, he was tickled to death. No words just step by step pictures. Being the awesome wife I am, stop snickering I am trying to think of ways this might help us in our Dd relationship. Of course we still struggle with our relationship. Vic says we are moving forward and there is no going back but I feel like we are not doing a bunch of anything. Well I guess he would say all is well and in some regards they are, I guess I am the one with issues- feelings of not being fulfilled, unsatisfied, longing, but hey maybe it's just the illness or????ok I am frustrated- for 2 weeks now I have "satisfied his needs no questions asked, after all isn't that part of the deal. If I thought for one moment he was doing this because of our Dd relationship I wouldn't be so whiny or at least it would be a different kind of whiny, but I just don't think that, I think he gets what he needs and during the moment he fondles me and does things that turn me on and then I just get left to nothing. It's starting to be a turn off and not a turn on, if he said something anything to make me think otherwise I would stuff a sock in it. I wonder sometimes if we both have an understanding of what it means to be a HoH, sometimes I think he thinks its all about him, and that my needs and wants are irrelevant. One day I even said being HoH doesn't give you a license to be an "ass" and maybe he should go back and read some post from other HoH and see if they are being that way. So how can I use this new information to benefit him. I am open for some thoughts and better yet maybe some pictures.
Maybe I can make him an instruction book-for example
Well it would be a start. Till later my blog friends- I should be around more often.
Welcome back! Nice to see you here again!
ReplyDeleteThanks Minelle glad you stopped by.
Deletewelcome back cathie! glad you're blogging again, and thinking through the process "out loud" so-to-speak.
ReplyDeletei hope you're feeling better, too. :)
hugs,
m.
Hi Maryanne, I am feeling better and yes I am thinking out loud- I hope he hears me.
DeleteLol - having a great sense of humor is key to good health! So glad you are feeling better! ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Cali, we TiH must have a good sense of humor! And great friends to turn to- happy to have you.
DeleteFirst off welcome back!
ReplyDeleteI don't know the answers to helping you and Vic with what you perceive as selfish behavior on his part. I don't think we have reached that step. I do know I have read about it and talked to many women about this very subject more often than not. As I sit here typing I am wondering if maybe women think their man is selfish, and this gives *them* nothing because of where they are mentally. Or where their heartset is.
Don't get me wrong I'm not here to take Vic's side, I am just thinking out loud. Ask yourself, try to look from the outside in, without emotion and expectation, if you read about the things Vic asked of you in someone else's post....only they were happy that their husband was stepping up, would you say, " Oh hell no! Not in my house!" ? If the answer truly is yes, well communication the DREADED C word is the only answer. But first you need to figure out WHY you find it selfish, and find away to express this to Vic without him feeling like you are ripping his head off... the old " I feel this ______ when you ask me to do this _______ because_______" " Is their a reason for your request? Is this an exercise in submission because you know it bothers me? Or is it just because you want it done? "
If the answer is no, well heck that is way more difficult to figure out. How do you make smaller strides to find your way to submission? How do you find it in yourself to soften and turn so slightly towards Vic? Ultimately though, I think those two questions are still ones you are going to have to figure out.
As much as I hate it when it seems the onus is always on US to do the moving, I don't mean it in this case to 'build' up Vic. I mean it to help you and your heartset. For me, as difficult as it can be at times, especially when I have 'fallen off the wagon', I begin to feel much better when I pull myself back up on the submission horse. I begrudgingly do it at times, and yet truly not. Perhaps start by laying out his pj's. Taking out a coffee cup for him in the morning. Things for him that he doesn't ask. I know this seems so contradictory to what you want, serving him. But do it for YOU and your heart and for him as well. Do it because you want to show affection in a way he clearly likes. Yes you are ultimately in control, but this might help.
Sorry for the ramble longer than the post.
much love, glad to have you back ( even if you are frustrated)
willie
Willie thanks for your input, I guess what frustrates me most is I think I am being submissive, doing things he likes of me even though its not my cup of tea. I guess I am being the selfish one, what am I getting out of this- I don't feel TiH, I am still making major decisions, blah blah. I do find merit in your "Is this an exercise in submission because you know it bothers me?" I am curious to how he answers that. BTW glad to be back love and hugs to you!
DeleteOh Cathie I so know about feeling all one sided. That ( regardless of whether is it doing things he asks or *just* being submissive) you feel you are doing all of the work. He sees and reaps the benefits on his end but you don't on yours. In *my* situation, I found I was holding on to that tid bit of righteousness and making it so. ONLY TALKING ABOUT ME, not you. I was blinded by my 'how come I am doing all of this and you haven't stepped up ?" that I refused to look at all the things he was doing around me. Sure they weren't directly TO me, but it was his way. Taking care of my external stresses. He does things...not so much says words. He is getting better at that mind you- once I took of my horse blinders that only allowed me to see in front of me, not to the side where he was doing 'his' thing.
DeleteYou'll find you way, provided that you don't give up. Which I know you won't.
Welcome back Cathie! It's great to see you back.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Roz
Hi Roz, glad to be back, thanks for stopping by :)
DeleteHi Cathy!
ReplyDeleteGreat to "see" you again. I am so sorry you were unwell and I hope you will be much better now.
Not sure what to say about the situation with your Hoh except to try to talk to him about what you are feeling and see if an agreement can be reached? I know that's tricky sometimes too because when I go to SM he sometimes says I am questioning his judgement which isn't allowed. I recently got a tad bit upset over mixed messages and posted all about it without permission (bragged about that too) got myself a nice shiny red spanking... but he learned stuff from that post so it was worth it in the (very bright bottomed) end. lol
((hugs))
sara
Well Sara I am glad it worked out in the end (red and bright) for you sometimes these HoH need an eye opener sounds like you found how to get through to yours. Hus
DeleteFirst of all, welcome back!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I have also told my husband being HOH doesn't give him the right to be an ass or jerkface, or any other term you want to use.
Thirdly, I hate to encourage her, but I agree with Willie. You have to figure out why you are feeling the way you are and talk to him. Maybe you can draw him some pictures of things you'd like him to do.
Good luck,
TL
Hi TL it is nice to be back. When I told Vic he didn't have a license to be an ass he looked like what am I being that way. Oh dear I said. Some days I would like to throw a rock at his head and say "it's not all about you, you know"
DeleteWell quite honestly I could have written that last part. Its pretty similar here at the moment, mostly due to circumstances, but I am getting frustrated not getting any. My reasonable side says, we need to communicate this need, but the other side says, he should know, and I am tired of telling him I want more. What do you think?
ReplyDeleteOh Julia I feel your pain, just now he thinks it has to do with ggs and not satisfaction. Oh HoH how you kill me. Lol. I agree they should know or at least be tuned in to the right channel.
DeleteSo, I talked to DH, and he thought about what is going on, and he says he just has been enjoying being the HoH too much...I told him that sounds horrible, and he agreed. lol. We will see...
Delete