I feel a storm brewing in me, so many emotions- very busy family time and I think the tide is rolling in pulling me into it. I know what I am suppose to do, but somehow I manage not to do the task we have agreed upon. Why I asked myself, what is it that I can't manage to do the things I asked Vic to help me with. Am I looking for attention, feeling out of sorts with the extra things the holidays brings to my plate. I am not sure-
Here is my storm- we agree to ttwd after a rollercoaster start, we discussed and agreed on the tasks that Vic believes will be a good start, the conquences for failing to do them are set and off we go. So why is it when I confese my misdeeds I get in response from him "So what are we suppose to do about these misdeeds".
Cut in the clouds, large dark and scarey--- as the mind goes : Did he just ask what are WE suppose to do, I thought that was clear- if you don't do X you will get Y and Z. You mean there are options to this~ that isn't what I signed up for- I need you strong, I need to know you will do what you say. How confusing is this- is this how it works, he can changed his mind, give me options if he chooses, change directions- HOW am I suppose to function with this? I don't have options, yes I agreed to ttwd and he is our HOH but wait suddenly I feel like this:
I am up there hanging and he is suppose to catch me, he said he would but why am I wondering if will. SO here I hang waiting and wondering, lost and confused.
Cathie this is all so normal...
ReplyDeleteNot what you want to hear I know. At the beginning it is so difficult for everyone to be on the same page- and even after, further into ttwd. Trust me, we've all been there this week.
Chances are he's still unsure. Chances are you are testing him. It is all part of the process. Does it make you feel any better? NOPE.
People are going to tell you to be patient so often that you are going to want to pull your hair out. The other big one is communication. The reason why you'll hear it, is because it is true. It works.
Tell him how you feel. Ask him why the options. Talk. That is the only thing that makes this move forward.. and by move I mean a slight shuffle.
Best of Luck
Willie
Thanks Willie it is nice to know it is normal in a strange unusual way. Yes talking is good but getting the moment to do it is the struggle we face right now. Hopefully we will find a stolen moment before to long.
ReplyDeleteHang it there Cathie - Willie is right, you do need to be patient without pulling your hair out. Willie has the bald spots to prove that isn't the best idea. ;) Willie also gave you a lot of very wise, hard-earned good advise.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to find time to talk especially during the busy holiday season but you will make it. Communication is definitely the key - what you expect, what he expects, etc. Just remember, he is new at this also and is fighting a lifetime of being told to 'hit' a woman or even tell her what to do, is wrong - the age of 'equality' ya know.
Also remember, you, Vic, and your marriage are different from everyone else so be careful not to fall into the trap of comparing your relationship and progress to anyone else.
Blessings,
Cat
You're right where you should be Cathie. While I was reading this post it came to mind to mention how communication is a key element and patience being more then just a virtue in the beginning of a couples DD dynamic. But then I read Willie & Cat's insightful comments and saw that was already well covered :)
ReplyDeleteSo I re-read and would politely suggest having a plan. Passing conversation about DD practices is wonderful and very helpful. Having two set scheduled DD focused discussions a week in the beginning is also highly beneficial. Specific times when DD ideas, feelings, practices and issues can be discussed and studied through sharing information each of you have found or been thinking of independently. Have a process that works for you, have a plan that works for both of you into the near future. The plan and process is something that will grow with you. And putting this into action takes dedicated time and effort by both partners. Even if it's only two hours a week to begin.
I agree with everyone else, this is VERY normal, even to some who have been at it a lot longer.
ReplyDeleteWhat you'll find is that communication is always the key, or just be blunt.
I fall into the bad habit of clamming up and then getting distant, then I create a huge storm for myself, except, my poor "H" is completely unaware... then, I break, and we fight... and in the end it ALL could have been solved if I would have just spoken up when the incident happened...
I also agree with Cat about not letting yourself get caught up in how things work for others relationships and comparing.
It's a LONG journey, and it's best to learn with each other instead of hoping things will mirror others.
Hi Cathie Cookie,
ReplyDeleteReading your post and thinking...really? You too this week? What is it with the HoH's this week?
I must say though that I do agree with all the others answers you have been given, so I wont type the same answer here that the others have given.
It is a learning process, that requires communication. (oh yeah, must remember that one myself)
Much hugs and support to you :)
Lillie had an awesome post on how to begin, but when she switched sites it came down, but I'm sure if you emailed her she'd send you the text. OFM has many awesome resources http://oldfashionedmarriage.blogspot.com/, and Mick has a beautiful article - http://ianandlillie.blogspot.com/2012/10/ian-answers-question.html, and a good one about why we need what we need on the TiH site - http://www.takeninhand.com/it.feels.like.respect - all of which may be of help. Additionally, I offer my Daddy, who'd be glad to answer any questions he may have. Our email is ward_june@ymail.com. Welcome to blogland... sorry that's a lil late :)
ReplyDeleteOpps :"> Wrong link to Mick's post http://husbandlytouch.blogspot.com/2012/02/letter-to-hoh.html
Deletethere's the right one :)
Thanks June I have passed the info onto Vic and we might just be emailing you soon after the holidays.
DeleteHi Cathie, welcome to blogland! Well, who am I to offer advice when we only began five weeks ago ourselves! But what I do know is that you begin to realise what a virtue patience is! This is a dynamic that will develop gradually and you can't rush it; and it has the most unexpected twistings and turnings! Both Mick and Mr BB have good advice with different topics - but at the end of the day you have to follow your own hearts in this. We're all on the same road, but the scenery is seen through different eyes. So what one person may see, another sees with embellishments, and another sees in different shades entirely. The weekly or bi-weekly discussions are very important, even if you hide in his armpit, chest-hair, or the duvet, as in my case! Many hugs, Ami
ReplyDeleteAmi we are at about the same time frame but I just started posting. You are so right about how we all see things. At least we are not alone in our walks.
DeleteAll of you have left me some wonderful advise and I am grateful for it. It is a trying time of year and I always expect everyone to know what I am thinking and feeling but am finding out quickly that my book of me is no longer in publication. Vic n I have talked n I am safely tucked in his arm where I need to be.
ReplyDeleteHi Cathie,
ReplyDeleteWillie sent me by via her blog...will come back and read more ASAP.
This ttwd business is a rollercoaster ride, there's no question about it and finding sweet friends who understand along the way is really important. It looks like you've found a bunch already!
Welcome to Blogland! It looks like you're off to a great posting start!
ReplyDeleteI think we've all written something similar to this post, whether it was in our head or in a blog post.
I swear, ttwd didn't click for my fireman until this week. We've been doing it since last October, so just slightly less than 3 full months. He understood the concept, but just didn't get it.
It will all click for you both, too! :)
Hugs,
Elle
Hi, Cathie. I'm just catching up on emails and had one from Willie announcing you had started a blog. Welcome, welcome, welcome!
ReplyDeletePatience and communication definitely are important, for both of you. I'm glad to read in your reply to a comment here that you have talked and you are safely tucked in the arm of your Cookie Monster. ;-)
Irishey